.: D minor :.

Waiting…..

These thoughts trickle down, where the imaginary line cut through the ground.

The sound of D minor weeping through the background.

Do you believe it when they say that D minor really the saddest of all keys?

Have you ever felt scared to witness the hourglass run dry, because too much went by?

Patience has never been one of my best virtues.

I don’t even know why I always try to prove that I will be ready for everything thrown at me.

Fear–time is catching up behind me.

…..

Growing up, it’s easy to lose sight of our responsibilities to our loved ones when struggling with the chores of everyday life.

Recently, I’ve tried my very best to spend quality time with my loved ones to renew the efforts of patching and catching up.

Naturally-born-stubborn—I will normally caught up in a nasty situation where I will eventually shut up as a sign of retreat.

I tried not to hold grudge against them for being complicated. That was just the way they were, I reasoned.

I did not think I could face them without bawling my eyes out, with all the emotional strength I could muster. As I gazed at their face, I realized at that point that I was looking at them in a whole new light.

Like when the musician begins playing a melody in D minor, everyone instantly starts weeping. So I felt,these harsh feelings….the harsh tune, became mellow….the melody, became more beautiful…

They still make a fuss, about me and everything else. It can still get on my nerves, but then when I think back to the silent moment…..the reason…..the ill feelings melt away.

Now, please tell me darling…..that it’s gonna be worth the wait?~

Right here. Right now. Waiting for you.

.: kiSMet :.

Everyday, when I look at the mirror, I got these sudden shivers down my spine. No, not because of the big fugly red zits on my forehead, which looks like an erupting volcano about to explode, but simply because of this haunting to-do list which starts to take charge of my life, as I constantly find myself mentally ticking off the items I wrote, approximately 4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days ago- My New Year Resolution 2009

Tick…tock…tick…tock…tick…tock…time is running out and I sometimes broke down, feeling suicidal for the fact that despite my endless attempts (probably not hard enough), I am still stuck….stagnant…sometimes stumbled recklessly…rock-bottom.

Like being forced-fed lemon, I’m tasting failure for the umpteenth time now, trying so hard to spit it out. But is the bitterness that accompanies adversity are lessons worth savouring? And if I try hard enough, would it turn out to be sweet opportunity, instead?

I got myself a wake up call, a couple of days back. You can call my other half a Nazi but I’m sure he meant good. He kicked my butt out of the comfort zone- literally, far beyond complacency; throwing an icebergin front of me—watching me wobble, testing me how to survive. I guess, you will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. And when it has painfully won, the lessons learn are a true gift.

I had gotten down and dirty in mixture of an arm’s length body odour and poke-in-the-eye pungent perfume scent filled train deck, with sweaty naked flesh and throbbing bodies would rub against my own that an optically challenged individual might mistaken my rough skin for the trunk ofan ancient redwood tree. I am toobusy, trying not to step on anyone toes, moving back and forth wobbly, feeling like a clumsy oaf. My MP3 playlist constantly shifting. All of it trying to keep me up and going. I’m sure I no longer make much sense, the words run together and repeat…”andai ku tahu….kapan tiba ajalku…..”. There I was, slowly turning myself into a zombie.

It has been a while. Since I have been pampering myself with cushiony surface where my warm bon-bon lies, the smell of ocean disperse through the thin air via the blasting cooling effect my aircond roared silently. Reality check; some things just gotta change, these sacrifices I decided to make…..the change of lifestyle I’m going to embrace….Say No-No to fancy coffee and alluring sales, the shrinking budget I gotta live with it….all this, I hope…..gonna be worthwhile.

But was really kept me going is the future I want mine to be, walk-the-talk to achieve the dreams I fantasize to be. To picture the portrait of our family we build together, and able to shelter and feed ‘em good—within our own means.

Looking back. Our once foolishness, our procrastination, our fear of commitment and responsibilities. I had enough of that.

You never know. The volcano in the backyard will always keeps us guessing..

It’s about time, to be wary and start putting unresolved items in the list into actions.

X- Mark all as done.

Uncategorized | Comment (0)

.: suGaR. sPicE. aNd eVeRytHiNg NicE :.

This is for all the mothers fighting…

You’re the elixir that could cure the sniffles and the blues.

I marvel at your strength, your tender loving care and charisma you’ve portrayed.

Sorry…

If i can’t help myself when you treated me like a misbehaving child. My rebellious instincts sometimes overpower me.

I don’t want to fight no more…

If only we could understand each other better…

But deep down inside, i know…the endless advices, reminders, nagging…is the voice of reason. the voice of support. the voice of my mum.

You are…

Somewhat free. Somewhat tangled.

With all the special ingredients you’re made off, you are the food to my soul.

Here we are, baking and making love. Just for you.

On your special day…

Even though you’re not here with us…

Take care and love yourself dear , SUPERMUM. Missing your hugs and squeals of delight…

Hurry home!~

.: BiLLy. eNcoRe :.

Keep running away, was never that easy.

This principle of law, makes him appear every now and then, whenever I try to forget.

I knew that the last glimpse of his face would hunt me until I saw him again, smiling, teasing away.

Savouring it, has left my heart pounding. Sugar rush– I felt the answering smile spread across my face.

It made me chuckle a bit, surprised by how time had changed the memory. The stress, the confusion. So much had changed…..And now I could craft a smirk, instead of frown.

That brief moment, lasted……only for a lil’ while.

Days go by. Like a dripping faucet in the back of my head– this memories, I could not shut off or ignore.

It’s bad for my health, I know. Addicted, I’ll trade my life for a box of conversation hearts with you.

I felt myself settling into another version of me, a little less responsible, betrayal of the heart. Someone who might, on occasion, do something really stupid for no good reason.

This Placebo Effect–is a real and powerful psychological response. With a small sip of icy sharped chocolate flavoured drink – this unhealthy drug I’m craving, when it touches the tip of my tongue, i let it flow evenly in my throat, swallowing it gently & slowly breathe out…

Ahh…this feeling…this aroma…this presence of yours….still lingers in my mind…

Intoxicating–this feel good factor. Possible for symptoms of serious illness could be masked by it.

Who needs abogus treatment or therapy?

When you can find comfort and solace through an abusive way instead.

If only I could find a way to keep you as my friend. And that’s it. Full stop.

Just spit it out, Billy. I know, deep down inside you have so much to say…

.: Anatomy of the heart :.

* 18 SX: I was being accused a pervert by my 7 yr old pet sis for doodling this*

Like a meteorologist, my reactions toward the heat wave going on at the office for the past few weeks have led me to endless ramblings on “weather broadcast” of the day to my other half; the usual victim.

The soaring temperature even cause a vicious effect of sore to one’s ear, when he finally muttered, “Stop Global Whining!”.

Regardless the uneasiness portrayed, my other half has been incredibly long suffering- anyone else would have had me committed to an asylum long ago. Thanks for keeping me around, love.

Despite my recklessness in coping up with my ultimate objective of having a balance life, I can’t believe how lucky I was to discover new things in life for the past few weeks. i.e; how to begin to chop a whole “Ayam Kampung” and pull out it’s feathers for a spoil brat like me and idiot’s guide to cooking and baking (especially at my in laws-to-be’s house), how to fly a kite (and knock off others),how to hit the G-spot when you watch live football match, how to keep up with “KIASUs”– by becoming one too, adulthood reality check—procrastinating taxing income tax matters, and not to forget the inspiring and empowering discovery of ‘Law of Attraction’ ( The power of believing the unbelievable; credits to Nora).

Good Karma. Bad Karma.

Black– being my favourite colour; with abundance of black apparels; I was mourning since the death of my beloved Cat–Dodi, 2 weeks ago; due to AIDS? (I’m sorry for not being there. Always not there for you. I’m sorry). May your soul R.I.P in Kitty-Heaven.

I also hate the fact that I’ve let my weaknesses fooled me by not having enough guts to stood up for what I think is right and change the things which are wrong. Very wrong. (Screw the show-offs! So much for visibility~ *shesh*) Frustrating as it is, hypocrites will always be there, amongst us. Simon will always be racist, no matter how hard Anoop has tried. People will finally learn their lesson, usually a lil’ bit too late though– after Susan Boyle was being prejudiced and laughed at cynically.

Who said life is fair?Why is there anxiety about a past we cannot change?The top of my mind has no answer for this. I guess, movement is the key. You just gotta keep on walking…

This is where I come across my long lost friend– this imaginary friend; did not come until I started reading again. These series of story books which I’m engrossed in; those arrangements of lines and shapes of letters and words on a series of pages–makes a world we can dwell and travel in. Of course, we don’t create a fantasy world to escape reality, we create it to be able to stay.The happy ending is hardly important, though we may be glad it’s there. The real joy is knowing that, you actually felt the trouble in the story and you are able to live through it.

This; makes me laugh a little and also cry a little.

Moving on, I’ll never stop reading. I’ll never stop writing. I am also very grateful to the bands and songstress on my playlist who have helped me through the writer’s block, the difficult moments and towards my new enriching discoveries.

I’ll never stop praying…

I’ll never stop hoping…

I’ll never stop dreaming…

I’ll never stop believing…

I’ll never ever stop…

WEATHER BROADCAST OF THE DAY: Sunshine during the day.The Lunar smiling back at you at night.Only happens in la-la-land on Sundays.

.: i HaTe tHe cOLouRs of bRuiSe :.

Sometimes, when I am sad and blue, I don’t remember what happy feels like.

I remember when I was small, the things that make me sad was when Bambi’s mother got killed, in that deer movie. Also, I didn’t like it when Lion King dad died, either. Cause, even cartoons aren’t real, i still love ‘em.

And… i will miss ‘em badly when they’re gone.

I have sub-consciously listened to the daily nagging, de-stressing confessions and found comfort in mushy conversations from you, at the end of the day. Each day arrives and we go about our daily business with these things being part of life.

The day when i waved at you from a distance. This farewell. I wish; only temporary. I now take the time to think about some of these constants; this small, seemingly unimportant gestures or events happen everyday, may somehow contribute a lot in carrying ourselves through this lil’ bumps in our lives.

Promises are kept. Trusts are built. As i light these candles in the dark, my heart melts whenever i am prompted the news of your journey.

It’s true, things have been tough, some people are simply so mean. I can always hear ‘em barking; faking it, i shed tears to myself in silence, shutting myself off from the nasty part of the world.

But some things have kept me going. Your touch from a distance. The harmonize vocals by angels called friends. The cozy home and warmth of the family, i keep coming back to at the end of the day. Don’t you worry a thing my dear, i’m doing good.

I guess we are strong enough to pick ourselves up, wiping those stains from the black and blue bruise that makes people go “ICK!”. Wishing, if only the bruise could be sky blue and pink instead, so people will say..”OOH, PRETTY!”.

I love this darned statement and memories that make me smile smile smile

“We could be thousand miles apart…
But you would always have my heart…”

P/S: Hope to hear from you soon, love!

Uncategorized | Comments (2)

.: HaiKu :.

.: cHecK iN. cHiLL oUt. CoMe wiTh Me :.

I woke up at five in the evening, hyperventilating.

I felt like I just got out of coma.

Barely breathing, my past few days have been a rollercoaster ride.

Lots of things have happened, there’s never enough time. You feel like you’ll submerge, if you stop for a while for a breather, in a stampede of mad rush.

Is the world coming to an end?

Too lil’ space and time to vent it out. The day when i stop reading to myself to sleep at night. The day when i stop writing, oh i miss so badly the feeling of crumpled papers, i wrote on and trashed, in an attempt to write; over and over again.

What on earth is wrong with me, nowadays?

Brain dead. That’s it.

The past few weeks have thought me the true meaning of embracing rejection, frustrations, stress and uncertainty; only to realize at the end of the day, with a bit of encouragement and a lil’ pat on the back, things might eventually turn out just fine.

The thought of this enormous world, filled with greatness and opportunity and possibility and million other wonderful things, *phewph*….. that, is an incredibly awesome fortune and great things will come our way; God willing. It’s just a matter of time, I guess.

I finally rebound and gain my strength, when I checked in to paradise.

That night, I sang to the stars, telling them my secrets. Sunrise, I tip-toed to the balcony, raised my hands up high and tickle the sky. I can feel the morning breeze whispering away my sorrows.

This moment. I wish i could just take the time for; big smiles. Sunday mornings. Long walk. Warm appreciation. Precious memories. Things that bring a sense of joy to our heart. Sharing invaluable words over warm cups in quiet place. Staying in touch…with the people who will always mean so much.

I guess, you just gotta work it all out. Move ahead of every worry. Move beyond any sorrows. And pray for a wealth of beautiful tomorrows.

Things may sometimes get nasty. People will always be bitchy.

Face the norm. Be strong; in every might.
Just tell ‘em off; GO FLY A KITE!!!

.: LoVe BitEs :.

February is here. It’s that time of the year again where human beings end up having mushy fluffy hormones running through their veins – Beauty can easily tame the Beast by asking ‘em to sit, roll and bark ridiculously. Good boy *pat on the head*. Ahh, the wonders of puppy love.Lovers don’t seem to mind about weight issue as they willingly feed each other de’chocolat (in French accent), le’crème of cuppies, exquisite cuisines in candle light dinner – only to regret the very next day for putting up extra kilos in their tummy and less weight off their wallet. *sigh* Things you do for love.

But let’s face it, not everybody’s happy in love. Doesn’t mean that you have to hibernate in your cave of comfy couch relying on the TV or computer as a form of your life support, especially during Valentine’s Day. It’s not like the sparks of love will ignite the atmosphere causing the world to end, you see. No reason at all for you to be excluded from this jolly good spirit.

Personally, I enjoy the fact that this spirit has somehow get my itchy hands all crafty + messy and my normal routine of strumming agony, lies, and angst songs turn into a more livelier and blissful ones instead.

In conjunction with this enamorable event, allow me to spread the love via sharing with you some facts i’ve come across in RD recently:

• Love is the route to heart health
• Men who have sex two or more times a week halve their risk of cardiac arrest
• Kissing increases saliva production which reduces the bacteria that cause gum disease (a proven contributor to heart disease)
• Hugs can lower blood pressure and stimulate the release of the bonding hormone, oxytocin.

So,

Love hard. Live long. Put your heart into it. ;-*

*Booyah hugs!*

P/S: ”The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” –Ewan Mcgregor

.: LaSKaR PeLaNgi :.

I’ve been listening a lot to Yuna lately. It has driven my sister up the wall that she has threaten to commit suicide if I hum yet another melody from Yuna’s ‘Rocket’ out loud, ever…again.

Ok sis, I’ll shut up. I am no terrorist. I shall not cause you any more sufferings. Though i had to admit that i feel pleasure out of someone else’s pain.

Unlike Yuna, my path to musical greatness was diverted roughly a decade ago. Since we were little, despite the lack of musicianship my sister and I had, our willingness to humiliate ourselves by creating a racket in our neighbourhood via twanging publicly resulting to unbearable look on our audience’s or shall I say victims’ face (usually amongst our family members) compromising with the sound of flat notes trying to survive until the end of our music piece. *phew~*

Despite the applause and pat on the head afterwards, i vowed never to play again. Ever since, any urge to express myself musically had to be exorcised in the privacy of my shower, my car, or even my bedroom. In this case, since we’re sharing the same room, sis; you just gotta live with it. Trust me, you’ll miss me when i’m gone…*wink*

Personally, I have a soft spot for songs brilliantly written and lyrically singing my life. It creates the tranquilizing effect in a way and has helped me go through toughest moments.

Love for instance may have gone wrong and bad things may have happened between two people who once promised each other the moon and the sky. When adoration and affection go off tangent, it can morph into something unhealthy you tend to cringe and imposing emotional and physical distance as punishment.

Still, you can never give up on your other half- that’s the thing about being in a toxic relationship.

I don’t fix relationships. Sometimes, i tend to entangle in one too.

Before you start feeling sorry for yourself, start twirling through the songs on your iPod, youTube or even Radio Muzik, Stesen Muzik anda on RTM for you to just tune in, stop reacting to the external world, and explore the internal one, discover something new. Maybe an epiphany about a relationship, or even discover a new theory on how the universe works. Music soothes and inspires- it has the healing powers, that is.

Ok now, i’m beginning to sound like a shrink…

(Outro)

You’re like a rocket in my mind…

Rocket in my mind…

You’re like a rocket in my mind…

Rocket in my mind…

You’re like a rocket in my mind…

Hmm…mmm…mmm…

(P/S: Sorry dear sis. I know i’m killing you softly…Right here. Right now. Shh~)

Uncategorized | Comment (0)