PuDaR~
I hate this feeling. The feeling that places myself in self-doubt and malcontent towards the only thing wrong with my life. My own self.
Maybe I’m just tired because maybe there isn’t anything to feel withdrawn from. Maybe it’s that feeling of unrest that I don’t feel that I’m good enough to keep all that’s good and kind in my life. Maybe I still care about things I should have let go but I really don’t want to. I’m confused.
Some things that made me who I am and what I am don’t just fade away even if you willing to take those steps to change your life towards something more than just my own twisted sense of self pity. You are who you will always be and nothing you can do will change that part of yourself. You can be a better version of yourself, but not even masking it, pretending that it doesn’t exist will change who you are or what you’ve been through.
I’m starting to think that maybe this discomfort is something like a precious metallic or silver jewelry starting to itch after wearing it for far too long. I’ve been saying yes and making leeways for far too many things needful or not that I forget how much of the things I want in my life I really ignore. If a person’s sense of self is defined from the achievement of his or her own desires then maybe this sense utter and complete failure in my life is because I’ve been pushing back my wants for so long.
Sometimes, I feel that I need to have my break for a while or I’m going to look at my own breakdown. It’s bad enough to feel insecure about all the choices in your life. It is worse to feel that you’re doing someone a favour when you have to sacrifice yourself for what you think might serve good deeds for others; tho’ others might not value so.
I need to start to care about my life too for a sec and start tying up loose ends before they become too frayed to put together. More’s the pity if I end up throwing everything away in favour of the malice that burdens my heart. Now that I certainly don’t want to make my sincere feelings toward the ones I cared too much fade away. Which in result might end up with a dull, lifeless entity that is struggling to survive. I hate this feeling. It is killing me softly. Deep down inside~
Be strong, hanim. You have to save your soul.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)A tAsTe oF MeRdeKA tuRNs biTteR…
I was so lifeless last night..surf the net from 7 till past midnight…downloading chords like nobody’s business….strummin’ a lil’ in blues mode..switched on my tv…How tragic to find that all the shows sux…phew..madness….i was so bored….and then i felt kinda sick…& then felt really alone..
How ironic? It was supposed to be a night to remember..Not only for me, but by all Malaysians infact…
Where goes all my Merdeka spirit? How come I was not intoxicated at all?
It is difficult to say…when there are uncountable memories flipping thru your mind! All the fun we used to have…but I guess it has fade away somehow… and the person i expected to be there when I needed the most….Well I guess, has better things to do…
And so it comes down to ME and THIS MISERABLE ROOM!…Every part of this shitty life of mine has got sweet..angry..loving memories….When i lie down on my bed…its funny..being here all alone…but in the back of my head i hear all the laughters and everyone making fun of things and having a good time..but then i just snap back and realize..hey, d’hell with being a loneranger..There was I, sitting at the balcony..looking out for fireworks which I can only hear from a distance…
It’s really sad or pathetic you might say…but u know, shit happens! And we cant give up…so…this is the way it is, whether i like it or not…miserable or not….gotta embrace it….never gonna look back in anger….so gonna toss it all away~..There was a perfect picture in my head of how everything was gonna be….or shall I say supposed to be…just a day before the sacred night…i guess that perfect picture was just washed away…
Who said life is fair? You dont always get what you want…and that’s for sure!
a sUPeRb waY to sPeNd YoUR wiKeN…
I chilled at d’Esplanade, Putrajaya today enjoying live band performances from underground ghettos. Thumbs up. Nice one! Always dreamt of becoming a not-so-famous melodramatic fool; playing on a stage to audiences that you don’t know; which often the crowds are quiet and not very responsive, due partly to shyness and self-consciousness. Still, a lil’ bit of headbanging & dancing to the groove will help… *shesh* dream on, sista!
Back to the band ‘em selves, I cud see how the songs they played might be an unconscious borrowing from blues—lines in the lyrics repeated several times to make an emotional point. The song is about a relationship that has ended, but not without regrets. Whimsical musical & pretty much contains whirring sounds I cud say…
And that’s it. Simplicity. Yet I think it’s a great tune because just with those few words, you can visualize & feel it completely: deep lyrics that succumb your soul…Ahhh, & that’s heaven!
