.: sHaTteRed :.
Come what may…
It’s a rigorous world we live in. Tomorrow may never come is a very true statement.
In split second. The screeching tires. The busting glass. The brutal impact. The agonizing scream. The bloody pool and the bloody fools.
The shock was mentally paralyzing.
It was a very long night. Squabbling. Fighting for my rights. Even though they were not there to rescue me, i’m glad my parents have thought me well –Be bold. Be wise. Don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Still in one piece - Alhamdulillah, I guess God still has plans for me or probably God ain’t done with me yet.
Indeed, life is fragile. You’ll never know what will happen.
In times like this though, you know who you can count on…
P.S: B.R.E.A.T.H
Prayer for a friend:
Your love story is heartfelt.
“Bimbinglah dirinya dan terimalah kekurangan itu sebagai keunikan, carilah kebaikan pada dirinya, dan bersyukurlah kerana dipertemukan dengannya. Tetaplah berdoa pada Tuhan agar dia akan terus menjadi milikmu…”
Congratulations Syam (anak sapa la ni? :P) a.k.a Bad & Syikin~
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Will the real HANIM RANI please stand up!!!
I should do something, but how can i?
And then, falling down out of nowhere…
–Clunk–Bang–Thud–Splat–
This terrible thought hits me smack on the bottom…
And once it’s there it doesn’t want to leave…
–Shooh–Shooh–Shooh–
Err, no. I guess it ain’t going nowhere.
Unless I do something about it?
Which is just a matter of what? when? how?
Basically i’m stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
The rock is where high hopes and expectations are driving me nuts, i ended up having psychotic blowout within my internal organs looking for an outlet to escape only managed to puff out smokes of angst from the ears of mine and causing severe case of bleeding heart.
It’s just that my boss is too optimistic to realize that we aren’t exactly rolling out the jolly good buddy-ship wagon.
I mean, unless it’s actually she’s trying to mow us down with it.*erk*
The thing is, sometimes i’m too engrossed taking care of other people’s feelings that i somehow ignored mine. And trust me, no one bothers.
The problem is i’m too chicken to react. Loo-hoo-ser-her!
And whenever i finally have the guts to tell her off, i ended up getting the mother-daughter-like-nag-cum-advice, which psyched me out, causing my brain washed with detergent until my cerebellum got mellowed and weaken by the pitiful situation.
I bet you’re wondering what the hard place is?
Well, this is what had been holding me back..
Out of empathy, the risk of sacrificing the reward$ given all this while, the thoughts of leaving fellow friends i’ve made along the way behind, and being apart from what actually tickles my soul–artistic values that is!
And everytime I ponder upon it. The feeling of guilt and regret arises.
Full stop. Space bar. Enter.
No witty comeback, sprang to mind. I just stood there with my mouth opening and shutting, like a fish with legs. Gasping for oxygen to breath.
Foolish. That’s what i am.
There’s no getting out of this. Is it too late already?
“You have swum too deep into the ocean to be rescued”. A statement drilled into my ears by someone who’s constantly trying to guide me to the right path since day one.
I guess, i must have failed him. Yes, I’m a disgrace. You know that hollow thud your heart makes when it bounces off the floor boards?
That’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.
When everyone else run out excitedly when the day is over.
I walked slowly instead, because I was carrying a lot of weight.
So, i’m left asking myself what’s the deal?
And I’m thinking — never mind.
Never mind what i’m thinking…
….
….
….
Often in times like this; the feeling of stuck in between, made me feel that i have nowhere to go and life being squeezed out of myself.
But one day, as I was strolling down the hill making my way from the komuter station to the car, I saw this fern growing in between two rocks and suddenly it hits me right there that indeed there is life, even between the rock and the hard place.
This fern seemed to found something to grab hold of and has grown upon, just as we must grab the opportunity that seldom knocks. There is always hope and we can always survive and flourish, even if it appears impossible.
Somehow, somewhen, i’m gonna get some answers.
I guess i would have to do that myself.
That– was harder to do than I thought it would be.
A lot harder.
That– had better work.
Glad i have made the first move towards improving my flaw, today. For future sake that is.
It’s good. It’s all good.
Err…well, hopefully it’s gonna be! *fingers crossed*
I have yet to make an important decision of my life though…
Still thinking. The clock is ticking.
Ctrl + Alt + Delete.
….
….
….
Striptease::
UTUSAN MALAYSIA- Isnin, 7 Julai 2008:
“ Alak terlentang di atas lantai selepas dibelasah penyokong parti pembangkang ekoran tindakannya cuba melondehkan seluar di Stadium Kelana Jaya, Petaling Jaya petang semalam.
[ Gambar londeh seluar di muka 3]” <- I was tempted. Again, I was being fooled. It wasn’t that tantalizing anyways. Gimmicks. That’s just the headlines these days. No comment.
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I’ll hide. and. You’ll Seek.
Where is this going?
I don’t know. You tell me.
How should I feel?
I can’t describe. You may not want to know either.
Should i pretend from being myself?
I’m sorry, i’m just not good at it. You should have thought about it.
Am i worth it?
Perhaps i’m not. Say something. You should not mess with my feelings.
Do i want to know what the future holds or live my life as each day unfolds?
I guess life is full of mystery.
Life is not about the destination. The reward is in the journey.
Don’t worry, i’ll hide myself for you. for now.
When you’re ready to face the truth, then you seek for me.
It’s all about taking chances.
You jump. I jump.
Not knowing if there’s solid ground below.
Take my hand and hold me tight. Never let go.
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Lotsa things have happened in the past few days that words can’t possibly describe it. The suspense and drama have actually led to my hormone triggering peevishly and my arm hair standing fractiously…
Allow me to spill out the anecdotes in bits and pieces…
Broken…
A tragedy that could never be erased from my memory. Cries for help still haunts me. In the state of shock–I watched you lying there helplessly at the bottom of the staircase. You got me worried sick, i felt like crying. But i had to put myself together as you were counting on me. Gotta take charge. Gotta be strong. Gotta be there for you…
It’s definitely gonna be a birthday that you’ll never forget, dad…
A birthday present that you’ve never expected…
…A wheel chair–as you go through the transition by taking the ride of your life…
I have never forgotten the moment. It was then I realized our lives are fragile and my dad is not invincible.
Now as we look back, we surely had a good laugh about it… Teasing you on how you ended becoming an O.K.U (Orang Kurang Upaya) instead of O.K.B (Orang Kaya Baru). How Euro 2008 not only harmful or hazardous to football players but also to the fans especially the “DIE” hard ones! *chuckles*
Though, Alhamdulillah — we are very much thankful that you’re still alive and kicking (though kicking might be an agony for you now!*teehee*). Hope you’ll recover soon. Love you to bits, dad!
An eye-opener getaway…
The dramatic incident nearly shatter our hope into pieces. Nearly resulting us, missing a chance that will hardly come by. A chance to breath. A chance to escape…from our busy…busy life.
But daddy was strong. We had faith which eventually turned into reality. We didn’t know to be scared. We were just goofing around. Against all odds, we were glad that we made it through. We’ll do it again sometime, i promise…
I guess the best part of traveling to me is meeting the most interesting and intriguing people and seeing all the amazing places. It really made me appreciate the small things in life…
I for one have learnt the meaning of lucky and trying my level best to appreciate life, as it is. I realized, some people earn their living the hard way. They’ll do whatever it takes even if their knees feeble, bloody teardrops dripping, scarring their dignity and soul. They just gotta keep on begging for a decent living.
Indeed i have brought back some souvenirs for family, friends and colleagues. But i’m glad i brought back something more precious– i brought back hope…
Sincere hope in making this world a better place to live in. Let’s play our part in contributing, shall we?
Handle with care…
Once again my heart dropped and sudden rush of adrenaline was pulsing through my vein when i was broken with the news…
“Owh, God must be testing me!”, i thought.
“Don’t worry, i’m gonna be OK…”, you said.
Deep down inside, i know you’re in pain.
The feeling of guilt, worried, impatient started to torment me.
“If only i could…”, “Wish i was there, when you needed me the most…”, “Alangkah bagusnya jikalau ‘Pintu Sukahati Doraemon’ ada bersamaku…”, i uttered to my self regrettably.
Powerless, incapable–there was i, waiting anxiously at the airport, counting every hour, every minute, every second, just to be by your side..
…..
My presence there was rather awkward. It’s like Dejavu all over again– The feeling of shy, nervous, i don’t know why, but these same feelings, i felt exactly six years ago, on this very same day…
I watched you sleeping peacefully and my heart just mellowed. You gently opened up your eyes, endearing delicate smile on your face. Slowly you uttered warm greetings of “Happy Anniversary~”.
Speechless, i mumbled back, “Glad you’re OK. I’m here now with you, Don’t worry…”
You gripped my hand tight, shut your eyes as the sedative drug put you to sleep…
Through thick (or fat) and thin. In sickness and in health. For better or for worse. We will fight this together. We will beat this. You are not alone…
…..
Just moments after i thought things beginning to turn my life around and everything will be OK… i just got a shock of my life…urgh, AGAIN!
“It’s gone!”, i snapped.
I started wandering about…Searching…
Bystanders witnessed the incident finally revealed the truth, however sadly, they snickered at my melancholy.
As i dragged my footsteps down the road and drops of sweat started trickling, in a mission to set my dear car, “Weng” free — which unfortunately got towed and abducted by DBKL for illegal parking *shesh*.
I thought i was going to explode or burst into tears with all those relentless pressure that had happened to me lately. But ironically, NO i didn’t; not knowing why, i somehow started smiling to myself instead, thinking about all those inexorable challenges “tested” upon me.
Good Lord, i must have gone nuts, already! *sigh*
“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight” – Reggie White
P/S: Thanks dear, for the magical strings (not G-string OK). It will definitely helps a lot in taming the beast. And the beast is me.
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