.: Lailatul Qadr :.

My throat is dry. My lips chapped. My knees trembled and my body is aching of exhaustion and hunger. For as long as I can hold on, I will stay strong. How I wish.

Floating in an ocean of people. Swaying to the momentum of the rocky cabin. My eyelids droop. Blinking , yawning, I slap myself constantly just to stay awake.

I saw you are in light slumber, then deeper. The snoring echoes your breathing. The slanting of your head to your neighbour’s shoulder tantalizes, and I gulp silently, feeling envy. As I am standing and you are not.

“Ahh thank God, we’re here!”, the little voice in my heart cheers, as I made my way out from the crammed cabin. As I dragged my weakening feet down the hill, I can hear the sound of my heartbeat, thumping. The sound of the cricket followed through. The sound of Azan Maghrib, long gone…

I swallowed the saliva hard down my throat. Just so that I can avoid the Makruh (for delaying the break of fast). Not that I would feel any better nor satisfy my thirst anyways.

The night has fallen. The moon had already risen her throne in the sky. However, that night. That sacred night was bright, where the moon has cast the shadows away. Star bright, star light. Twinkle in the dark. It was just a heavenly sight. Divine.

My craving somehow petered out. Whilst the Muslims engage in prayers, I laid awake on top of the trunk of my car for a while, captivated by the beauty of the sublime night. Preserving the moment. In silence.

That night, I end my prayers with much regret. I recite to myself; seeking for forgiveness for any wrongdoings, for the sins I’ve committed. I’m sorry….I know, I’m imperfect…

As I sink in between the sheets. I stared beyond the ceiling, as though it was transparent, I imagine the milk fell from the sky creating the group of twinkling stars. The scent of white lilies filled up the air. Purity. Modesty. Virginity. Majesty. It serves as refreshing aromatherapy. I was drowsy, my mind strays. The scent, the lullaby, drugged me to deep sleep….

When I’m awake. I pray for a new beginning…

Salam Eid al-Fitr; May our prayers be blessed, may our sins be forgiven and may the auspiciousness of this holy month continued to be with us permanently. Amen~

Maaf Zahir & Batin from Rani & family

Note: I smell like onion after being cooked up in the kitchen since morning. Yummylicious Raya dishes are on the way! Credits to all the greatest mummies (ie; Mummy Dara, Mama Yong, Mama Eyna, Mama Sum) & of course my dearly beloved Sis Maya (not yet a mummy) for being such great Gurus in cooking. I see. I learn. I conquer. (At least I try! )

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.:faTe or FaiTh:.

Do you believe in fate?

How things that I thought happened for no reason did indeed have a purpose. How I thought my life was random and haphazard, actually ended up coinciding. I guess, my life has been guided by fate. This singular moment. Something seemingly insignificant that completely changed the course of my life. This is when all the little bits began to fall in place, even though I had no idea at that time.

Well, thanks. For your faith in me. Past. Present. Future.

It’s just crazy that before, we never had our entire life figured out yet. We just love to gamble in life. The dice symbolizes us. Walking aimlessly and dreaming endlessly embracing the future. I always have wild imaginations running through my head every now and then. The thought of growing fat with sagging boobs whilst watering the plants in our garden, with a couple of our kids running around butt-naked chasing after each other around the water sprinkler. I even think for the worse where I would end up being a spinster with 50 cats and 50 wrinkles, just waiting for miracle to happen.

But when the unpredictable happened, the whole world seemed to be in mute. Speechless. No witty comebacks sprang to mind. I just stood there with my mouth opening and shutting. Like a dying fish gasping for air to breath. I was in shock. happy. scared. I’m confused. Am i dreaming?

Something I never had expected before. I have realized now that there is a reason for things to happen. God does have a plan. Maybe not always on the same timetable as ours, or in the ways we want. But always, the way we need…

For a better future ahead. Cheers!~

P/S:

1. Life is full of surprises. Happy Birthday saudara Amirul Adha Amsidom—19.09.08. May Allah watch over you, always.
2. Credit to Kak Yasmin. Thanks for injecting the love potion through your baking mojo. Indeed you’re gifted. Kudos! I know i can count on you~*wink*. We’re loving it! Keep spreading joy via your magic touch…

 

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So, i lied…

My sharp-tongued buddy, whom I considered him as fragile species and wise to be preserved, tagged me recently.

I told him that I hate him for that.

I bet he’s not in his “guci mayang” mode preaching about how ‘”Without love there will be no hate & without hate there could be no love” kinda sermon, huh. (peanuts?!)

No offense, I can’t help being evangelize myself, sometimes (cam mak nenek aku kengkadang!).

Anyways, just because I’m still awake (although I told you I’m not) and because I’m on specialized diet of junk foods (before the break of dawn) that can be eaten one-handed; just so that I can still type on the other. I figured, what the heck! Lets give it a try.

Mind you, my answers shall be short and sweet ( just like my physical-self. Short ? Yes. Sweet ? Well…err…not quite!)

• First Airplane Ride

During kindie. Chup, wait. Was it? Aiyak, all my wonder years memories gone “kaput” already..

• First time Overseas

Yes. During kindie. Positive. I stayed in Australia for a while. My dad said it’s fertile there especially during winter. Apparently, I’m still the youngest one in the family. No luck I guess.

• First time living away from your family

Standard 1. My dad was a weekend father. He had worked his ass out to earn a decent living for our family. Whilst my mum pursued her PHD studies abroad, our siblings were being well taken care of by Kakyong . Now, she’s part of the family.

• First time I had a real job

16^th March 2006. Hari ini dalam sejarah. First day of work. I arrived late. So screwed. KTM Komuter rosak. Talk about first impression, heh~

• First time I felt I was fat

Duh, like forever!~

• First time in love

Aku kayu. This IS my first love.

• First time I felt I was beautiful

Never. I found beauty in others instead. Even the toad with scabrous skin & bulging icky eyes looks pretty to me.

• First time at the cinema.

12 years old. In an old –school Cathay where rats passed by every now and then underneath the seats. It was the movie Jimi Asmara by the way. My mum shrieked. It was the bloody rat, not the movie.

• First time admitted in hospital

Never. I’m phobia of hospital though. I’ve caused someone to be admitted before. It was during my Uni years.

And as for your last question which you have deleted buddy, the answer is NEVER (not knowing what the question is. But my instinct tells me that I’ve answered correctly-whateva that is!)

All the trivia retorted. (Not to say I’m enjoying this OK).

At least now, I can rest in peace (R.I.P)

zzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzz………………………………

Note: “Hit me baby one more time!!!” (Err, well so i lied…The mojo ain’t working afterall *sigh*)

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.: StaRry eYed suPRiSe :.

 

The relationships in our life define us. Each person who enters our life serves a purpose. Some give us strength, hope, courage and advice. Some teach us about Love & Loss. Some teach about empathy and appreciating the differences in others. Each of these relationships has a place in our lives, our hearts and our souls. Even the most negative of relationships serves a purpose if we use it as an experience to learn a valuable lesson about ourselves and others.

It happened so quickly this week that it never fails to stir my soul and my tear buds wet…

Broken promises-broken hearts. That’s what you’ve left behind. You said we got into this together, we will keep going through this together and we will leave together. My heart still aches to think about it. But after ponder upon it for the longest time, I finally found a reason to lift myself up. I figured, this isn’t all about me, it’s also about what the future holds for you. I truly understand your misery. I won’t say that I do not feel any reservations when you made that drastic decision. But for your future sake (and to safeguard your dignity), go ahead my dear friend. Spread your wings free…

I’m beginning to become sober after being fed Karma Quotes by a sahabat of mine (Thanks Guru!). It somehow serves as sedative that brings tranquilizing effect within me.

My daily dose of carbonated drinks and bites of choc’lit help me a lot in going through my toughest moments. What happens if I don’t get my dose?

My head hurts. I get tired. I start stumbling over my words when I speak or write. I lose patience. The people surrounds me becomes more annoying ( I think?). My workspace gets messier ( how does that happen?). I grow ‘spikes’ ( and start pulling my hair endlessly ). It’s a nasty situation.

Thank goodness, besides my daily dose, I found the most therapeutic way to deal with my feelings and endure the challenges faced. At first, when I signed up for this, my main intention was to part the greatest lesson of all – Gratitude, to other lives i touch.

(Note: Peek into my Flickr for more memorable snapshots)

Without realizing, I’ve learned much more from you…

That you would be the one to teach me patience…

That I would never stop worrying, ever…

That I would make a fool of myself just to make you laugh…

That I could spend hours just watching you appreciate the colours of life…

That you would make me want to be a better person…

I must say that you have done me proud for embracing the toughest undertakings in your life. Thanks for allowing me to share bits of motherly love with you. It was truly an amazing experience. The responsibility is massive. But the rewards are endless.

The deep connections we have with others are the single most important aspects in our lives. Relationships with our parents, children, families and friends shape who we are. They fill our lives with substance and serve as our support system, our strength and our base. Each relationship fulfills a different need within our soul. Some relationships are brief and some last a lifetime. With each person enters our life, we are forever changed…

To Yaya and Navin,

Thanks for leaving such an impact in my life. Both of you will be deeply missed. Wishing you happiness and a better life ahead. Cherish the best moments we had. We may not be close by anymore but you will always be close in my heart. Learn to look after ourselves better. So when we’re happy. Our whole world seems to be…

P/S: Yaya, ko curang!!! :~~(

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.: pLuG iN yOuR guiTaR. sEt mY sOuL fReE :.

Reminiscing the best days of my life, i can hear it calling out to me. That life filled with lights, music, friends, late nights and raw freedom. A life where watches didn’t matter because time didn’t exist. The future was mine for the taking.

I live my life seeing art in everyday moments. From an infant’s smile, to the silhouette of a naked soul against the background of paranoia of city life. I photograph nearly everything that inspires me; anything that makes me smile, cry or feel the rhythm deep within my soul. But photographs can only say so much. I started scribbling so i could express the profound effect that each of those captured moments had on me.

Looking back, my body now a shadow of itself. As those carefree days and nights are now becoming subtle. I somehow fear the possible frailty. Although, it hurts to realize that i, now would have to oblige to others’ feelings as well, i still enjoy the experience i have today. I know, the best days of my life still lie ahead, may be in a different way instead. 

Though, music Never stops tickling my ivories. Ever.

“Setiap orang mengetahui dirinya, arah fikiran dan cetusan hatinya, lebih dari orang lain. Sekiranya nyanyian ataupun jenis-jenis tertentu darinya boleh menyalakan emosinya, memuncakkan nafsu melibihi sudut spiritual dan mendedahkannya kepada fitnah, kejahatan, kecelakaan pada agama dan akhlaknya, ketika itu dia perlu meninggalkannya…”

Sedutan Hadis Nabi :

الْبِرُّ مَا سَكَنَتْ إِلَيْهِ النَّفْسُ وَاطْمَأَنَّ إِلَيْهِ الْقَلْبُ. وَاْلاءثْمُ مَا لَمْ تَسْكُنْ إِلَيْهِ النَّفْسُ وَلَمْ يَطْمَئِنَّ إِلَيْهِ الْقَلْبُ وَإِنْ أَفْتَاكَ الْمُفْتُونَ

-Kebaikan ialah apa yang ditenterami oleh jiwa dan ditenangi oleh hati sedangkan dosa ialah perkara yang tidak ditenterami oleh jiwa dan tidak ditenangi oleh hati, walau apapun yang telah difatwakan oleh orang-orang yang memberikan keputusan-

 

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