.: Can you see me now? :.
Have you ever wondered why the pinky finger is always left deserted from the others; pulgar, indice, medio and anular whilst fingerpicking your guitar? This four are the ones that are used most frequently.
I guess, there are times in our lives when we felt ignored, insignificant and invisible.
Have you ever felt as though no one can see you and understand how you are feeling inside? But your instinct tells you that you’re destined for greatness with whom you know was never meant to be.
Your self-esteem dysfunctional, it’s really hard to show how you feel. Scared of letting them know what is really bothering you and what is it that makes you feel confused?
I see you but you just keep looking right through me. Like someone you don’t even see.The feeling is just something different. Ironically, I’m enjoying it cautiously.
This attention I’m longing for is so dangerous. I’m afraid of feeling the same for a long time, it will eventually become messier. I wish to be numb so that being in this feeling won’t affect me.
Maybe it’s just how I’m feeling right now…
Maybe it’s all in my head….
Maybe it’ll soon fade away…
Let it go…
You are the other side of the world to me…
Note: Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye. Pinky, you make a good brace on the guitar; that’s for sure.
Uncategorized | Comment (0).:I sold my soul to the Devil:.
It’s late and I’m feeling so tired. Numb. I think I’m suffering mental block. My finger is trembling as I hit the space bar key. Shit. The key is jammed.Now, I have to hit it hard every time. Urgh. My brain now runs like The Matrix screensaver. I just can’t get the figures out of my head. I have trouble sleeping as nightmares of urging deadlines haunt me down even in my sleepless sleep. Deadlines. Deadmeat.
Sleep. I wish I could, peacefully. Write. I’m tired bitching about my miserable life. It gets me nowhere, I know. I need to vent it out somehow. Else, I’ll lose it. I’ll falter, deep into the twilight zone.
Save me.
I was having a conversation with my other half the other day about my intention to get myself a blackberry-like handphone since my phone is somewhat malfunctioned causing me having to shoutout like a deaf person each time I’m over the phone with someone in a public area. People sometimes have mistaken me for having an argument or break up over the phone for barking out loud. I suspect, it’s either the phone or it’s just me having a severe case of blocked ear wax.
I was actually turned on with the gizmo’s functionality of having to check emails on the go as I hate going through my unattended emails which clogged my inbox after being away from office for quite some time.
He, on the other hand, hated the fact that I would have the tendency to neglect him by having an ‘affair’ with my phone whenever we go out on a date.
I told him that he’s just being ridiculous. With his sarcastic remarks, he hinted me to watch the movie; Devil Wears Prada instead. The movie is enough said, he claimed.
Basically, the film paints an accurate portrayal of a person so caught up in the “process” of achieving her goals that she ends up sacrificing so much of herself along the way. With her personal life beginning to crumble and all those emotional “moment”; this movie is more of a visual example of how easily we can veer off course- even with the best of intentions.
I must say that it was an utterly vile slap in the face for me. I am in denial. How far shall we go for what we believe to be the greater good; and ultimately what defines us? Is it career? Family? How we look? What we eat? Who we serve? Oh my, does this movie show a reflection of myself? I figured - No way, of course I am nothing like her……….err…….Am i?
I realize, this job I bumbled into has taught me many life lessons—some I rather not have had to learn.I guess when you start doing things that you know are wrong, you should stop and question the values your job puts you in a conflict with. Our body may have indicate the signs of trouble; light headedness from not eating or sleeping enough and constant exhaustion that kept one from spending time with people we care about-people who tried to let us know many times, but whom we kept saying. “But you don’t understand”…
Those sacrifices of dignity traded off with integrity. All those hope shattered with broken promises. Fear of losing sight of the values.I guess, I just sold my soul to the devil.
I know it’s about time for me to make a move.
Though I’ll never regret my experience so far. There are so many things I could take away from this– the feelings of self worth and how I might have protected it.
Just the other day, I unintentionally eavesdropped on a conversation between a girl I happen to know and a stranger outside my toilet cubicle on making the right move at the right time. It all sounded so familiar, when the stranger was expressing her consideration of making a career move from doing HR to technical line, since she has an Engineering background and has lost interest in what she’s been doing all this while. Her only concern was her boss’ releasability as she was told to wait for at least three years before making a move. I felt like Dejavu, so I emerged telling her off to make a move NOW, as three years down the road, you never know whether it was all false promises, as you have been slaved.Demotivated- without realizing, your drive deteriorates, you slowly loses the momentum. In fact, you’ll end up losing as you have to start all over again once you finally make a move. You might become a victim of selfishness. Believe me, dear stranger. I was there before. I still am. Nice knowing you by the way, Nadia.
Whatever our circumstances, we all have stuff that makes our skin crawl. This stuff might be things we hate to do, things that bug us endlessly or things we know we have to deal with, but we’d rather not. Often these things won’t be around forever. We might leave the job that made us go grrr. People may grow wiser by the days, with hopes that their annoying habits will change. We’ll somehow get the hang of the wonders of technology that may sometimes make us go peanuts. Our family and friends now hear us refer to these annoyances constantly but a few years from now, when the situations have changed, it’ll be interesting to remember some of them, to look back and laugh.
Although some of the situations might be negative, don’t dwell on the shitty stuff any longer. Let it go. I constantly voice my irritation to my close family and friends, usually to no avail. It may frustrates me and make life difficult at the moment. But I guess I know it won’t always be that way.
Because this is just a phase. And it shall pass. I repeat to myself: it shall pass.
Music therapy: the lyrics to this song exhilarate me…
“Take all your wasted honour…Every little past frustration…Take all your so called problems… Better put ‘em in quotations….Say what you need to say…”
Quote: “You can’t wait. You simply can’t afford to. Be happy today. Bloody right now.” – Kenny Mah-
Uncategorized | Comments (3).: Happily Ever After. The End ? :.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against marriage. Despite the post entitled; Marriage? No way! i’ve posted a couple of years back, I do believe that there’s a whole lot more beauty to discover in life after marriage although I do realize that the responsibility is massive and the sacrifices are tremendous.
I admit that I tend to get annoyed whenever I’ve been showered with endless questions about tying the knot and settling down to the extent that I told ‘em that I am phobia of marriage (for whatever reason, I still do not know).
Some people even got me confused. They have never expected that i would stutter towards the situation, as I always let my wild wedding and offspring imaginations flutter by incessantly.
I would not lie though that I do get goosebumps all over my body when the question pops.
I guess, we are all pressured by the environment—We are NOT The Stepford Wives for god sake! Well I guess that’s one thing that some people just don’t seem to understand.
I was triggered to write about this when I was inadvertently reminded about the story plot from Sex and the City the movie by a sahabat of mine. I never thought that the gist of this movie would create such an impact in one’s life (besides the love-making scenes, that is!). Despite the skeptical comments from the viewers worldwide, I for one, ironically think that the message of the story is somehow…mmm..real? I must say that I am inspired to dig deeper on Carrie’s quest to write on; What happens after you’ve found love…
Most people thought searching for love is a big issue. No doubt about it. Love at first sight? I’ll buy that, too . But, now when you have found one, how do you live with it? What’s next?
I guess, we live in a world which still expects a permanent monogamous marriage to be the ultimate, the sign of true love–The sign of happy ending. However, with that aim in mind whilst disregard other feelings that come in between, we tend to overlook in truly appreciating the substance of love – the passion, the fun, the work involved in finding a life mate, the foolishness, the excitement, the fear and the longing. These little perks are somehow necessary in an effort to get to know, trust and respect each other.
It’s all too bizarre. Most of us believe that love comes first, next comes marriage. Boy meets girl, promise to love, honor and cherish each other, girl marries boy. Though, I must say that getting married is not the end of the story. Life is not like a fairy tale and ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t exist in reality.
I’m not trying to make love complicated. It doesn’t matter which comes first actually. Just as long as it stays there……for the longest time…God willing, forever….
Thus, saving each other’s relationship and ignite whatever we have now is more important than anything else.
I just hope that whatever decision made, was not base on the norm (or peer pressure). Or even fear of my inability to bear your child if i’m aging (and you are not ?) or worse; because of me– not you.
Ask your heart sincerely. If it is a sincere love you’re offering. It’s gonna be a sincere response you’ll be getting in return…
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“I do..”
Indeed, marriage is not a sign of happy ending – It is in fact, a new beginning…
Note: It was a truly blissful Aidilfitri. Ku bersyukur ku dapat iringkan doa di pagi raya di pusara mereka yang tercinta — In memories of beloved arwah yayi & nyayi (grandpa & grandma); thanks for the memories, the kindness, the laughter and the lesson learned. May Allah bless your soul~
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