Just like a STAR**
I realize that when i tried to pen down my thoughts, it often sounds like obituary.
Sometimes, i tend to dwell about the feeling of discontent…and worry… outrage… regret… despair… complaints… vague questions about life… hope of a transformation… bla bla bla…
These feelings; when you put into words, it felt somehow…ALIVE~
Life is full of fleeting moments. Some you wish you could turn back time just so you can savour every bit once again. Sometimes, there’s this anxiety about a past you cannot change you wish you could instantly forget.
It’s alive in the way our memory is alive.
It’s alive the way the ocean is alive and able to transport us and contain us.
It’s alive in the way experiencing is; made of both memory and imagination.
Hello there, it’s me.
And this is from the thousands of us. I’m not alone.
…
Despite the flirtations with my career and personal life, many sleepless nights and desperate arguments, and untold wrinkle-inducing stress i faced throughout the year, i’m truly grateful enough to find unexpected solace in unexpected means.
I’ve learned more and more about being in a relationship through surviving nasty squabbles over late nights at office, our contradicting views as we stand strong to our very own principles in life, sensitivities arise whilst we were talking cock over things we mistakenly thought it would be some form of joke initially; which have taught me a fairly huge lesson of listening more and talk less and most importantly; to give and take.
I’ve “tried” learning to be a true “lady” over the year by:
- physically; growing my hair long and start using lipo reducers & anti-cellulite body gel (although the results have not been scientifically proven by a hopeless guinea pig named; Hanim
)
- emotionally; controlling my swearing & loosely fixed tear buds
- spiritually; cleaning up the mess i’ve created towards my journey to the right path
- and technically; learn how to cook, looking after babies/children (which is way different than looking after your pet-fish!), giggling instead of howling hysterically and the list goes on…
I was drawing/capturing/editing images more and more. And I was writing a lot and reading a lot because all these things and music made steady moods I could rely on to get through difficult times. It truly helps keeping me sane.
I valued even more the true epitome of friendship and the ties between my family, by simply experiencing the quirky moments by going for a crazy road trip to god-knows-where, sharing the happiness my friends and relatives felt by witnessing them exchanging vows on their wedding day, trying so hard to reach out when they stumbled hard on the ground crying or simply share their joy by rolling and fell backwards laughing.
I guess all I’m saying is that I don’t take things for granted; simply because you never know what happens next.
My future is something I am looking for. I’m still wandering down the street looking for it. Scared, but doing it anyway.
Of course it has been tough, and i know it will be tougher before it gets better, i do believe it was in my best interest.
Just like a star**, we must keep replenishing, it may glow with a more compelling flame, it may slowly fades away, but it continue to exist before it became visible to the naked eye again.
I guess i am ready to keep growing, to evolve and to enjoy the process. Things such as this are never easy yet make us better people in the long run.
You’re probably putting together a list of New Year’s resolutions. So what, if 1429 Hijrah didn’t end up the way you have planned, there’s still 1430 Hijrah for you to start a new one.
Courtesy of Abg Juyei
Just like a star**, we shine in virtue like bright stars on the earth. It symbolizes honour, achievement and hope.
Hold my hands. Never let go. Let’s leap into a better future, shall we~
So are you with me?
Salam Maal Hijrah!~
Note: Prayers to start off the New Year
Uncategorized | Comments (2).: BiJou :.
Real life is never easy.
A person might go around smiling lovingly with happy face put together portraying perfect world; with angelic family and friends, effortless adulthood, being in a relationship which is a pure bliss and assuming their world is a harmonious place.
But some couldn’t deny any longer a part of the reality they faced; where they slowly destroying themselves and shut themselves off from the world around them. They might have thought how hard they tried the “right way” to change things; it would always fail. These people—they struggle to hide the truth.
Who could have known?
That this friend of mine threw up after every meal just trying to be beautiful? She hated herself so much that she took pills just to take the troubles off her mind. She even had the tendency to hurt herself in a desperate attempt, just to feel.
Listen to me carefully, dear friend.
Has anyone ever told you, what an absolute gem you are?
Like a little gem which has the exotic sparkle of bijou. A small and delicately wrought trinket.
You’re precious and rare, beyond compare.
I believe, you may light up as the glow of your brilliance is strong. Just don’t ever, ever lose it.
As long as you’re here, to share a tear. I can laugh with you when all has gone wrong.
Like a diamond in the rough; your roughness and uneven surface can be cut and polished.
What matter most my friend, is your inner beauty; as it all starts within you and believe me, it will eventually surface. As life is a part you play with great heart.
You are not alone…
Tribute to those in constant pain, constantly doubting and self-loathing:
Remember, you ARE special in your own special way…
Side Note: Checkout Creative Mafia @ YOUTH ‘09, held between 9 -11 January 2009,@PWTC, KL.
.: MuSe :.
“Start with an image…”
My Sifu used to say.
“As the image represents a thought, a memory, and a location of an experience…”
Wise words indeed.
I stumbled upon this old picture whilst browsing through my picture gallery. I remember engorging a slimy Ramly Burger whilst waiting for the entrance to open. I remember cursing and waiting for ages for a friend of ours who arrived late whereby he initially came up with his typical “on the way” excuse. I remember being the only girl amongst my guy friends, I started behaving like one of ‘em; farting away and scratching my armpits endlessly (are you nuts? of course I’m kidding!). Whilst waiting miserably for our “dearly beloved” friend before going in to enjoy the show, I remember turning the guys into gossip girls instead, where we bitched about other people’s shoes; only to realize that ours looked even more fuglier– it nearly resembles “pekasam” (marinated fish) and even smell like one too.
Moreover, this picture represents independence. This courageous soul of ours; we are ready to put the feelings on the line, to risk it all. So as to discover our emotions and to experience freedom. Hell yeah, we went wild!
Most importantly, it brings back sweet memories of “us”—melodramatic fools having the time of our life.
Y’know, something usually happens to our thinking when we looked at a picture. It becomes more like listening rather than formulating when we move our pen to write. These sentences; spoken internally from one part of me to another, spoken and listened to, heard and recorded. It was not thought over much. This image. This memory. Keeps the pen moving.
Yesterday–approaching midnight, we were having late supper at the food junction after the guys had their futsal game. One of my buddy asked me whether I’d like to catch up on “Rock the World” (ROTW), happening today, like we used to those days; although we haven’t done that for a long time. The rest were teasing how kiddish both of us still are.
Both of us laugh, acceding to the statement—although we know deep down inside; we were in denial.
To tell you the truth, I miss those moments.
Those memories.
Those were the days.
“ A memory is like an iceberg. Only a bit of it is above the surface and it’s a piece of something else – a piece of a former neighbourhood of ours…”
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Ideally, Sunday is a day of rest around my home. Perhaps, the day will include a little outing if the weather is fine, it might be a time to hangout with friends or even to run errands.
My Sunday began with waking up late, for i truly cherished and valued the day before as it was the most memorable 13th December 2008 i’ve spent with my family and friends.
(Note: Thank you. Thank you. And countless Thank you all for making it so special! )
In the afternoon though, things started to screw up:
- I’ve mistaken cauliflower for broccoli *erk!*. My dad just shook his head regrettably having to raise a vege-blind child. (P/S: it applies the same even when I shop for fishes to cook too, *yikes!*)
- I end up spending RM800 on a Compressor for my car when initially I thought I would spend the most–RM12 when I intended to top up the aircond gas of my car.
- I went on a strike and put a frown on my face when I had this little disagreement with my mum over silly stuff. Part of the problem in this house is hormones. There are just too many undiluted women for one small house. Huge clouds or supercharged oestrogen drift about and react sending showers of sparks at the atmosphere; the air prickles with it *grrr*. Don’t worry, we’re cool now.
When, it started to rain in the evening, I end up being cooped up in my room, as I curled up in the warmth of my “bantal busyuk” doing all kinds of experiments with papers, glue, scissors, ribbons, glitters and colourful crayons; i felt like Dexter; a child prodigy with a secret lab in his room where he uses to conduct experiments like building a mass-destructing device.
Tonight, is a time of reflection. It is a time of looking back on the week that has passed. Lotsa things had happened throughout the week. And in the bigger picture, these little things can sometimes teach us fairly huge lessons. Hidden in everyday conversation and in the actions of others are sentiments and words of advice that deserve to be remembered.
It all started with my decision to make a big move in my career—for my future sake, that is. It may involve a lot of Qurban (sacrifices), yes i know. You win some, you lose some. Now I may be in my comfort-zone, however, i’m willing to take the risk as my pure intention is to grow; the evolution of my lack thereof-incompetence to a worthwhile capability building (God willing).
(P/S:Note the header of my resume. It is symbolic, you know. No more monkey business for me! *wink wink*).
My decision to do anything significant is often preceded by a chat with my parents. Perhaps not intentionally, but talking about the important stuff just seems to happen naturally. My decision for a career change– i know it is a long and winded way into pursuing this. First obstacle; To convince my present boss on my kind intention. . Having pursued that before, had made me hit a brick wall in the motivation department. (Please dear boss, let me spread my wings. My life ain’t an Ouija Board where it spells out one’s future as it moves aimlessly for no reason). Next, is to gain trust of others and truly prove to them that I could “just do it”; to the best of my abilities. I sat and chatted with Mum & Dad about how hard the process would be and how I realized it would be difficult and very taxing.
Mum, is a straightforward kind of lady. She has some gems of wisdom though– where she looked at me and said; “You didn’t think it would be easy, did you?” These were wise words. They were words of encouragement. I have to admit that I just sat and looked at her. I had no answer. Point taken. Lesson learned.
Thinking to myself; “Yes mum. I guess you are right. This isn’t going to be easy. I’ll just get on with it. Set a challenge and achieve it”.
I know it sounds cliché, but turning 25 was like having a light switched on in my head. I have made so many discoveries about myself since reaching this milestone. I have become more confident with myself, than ever before (This low self-esteem of mine, still wickedly haunts me though. *Shooh!*),.Now I think I’m beginning to worry less what other people think and I have become more honest with myself. I am not naïve anymore to think that this is it.
I have realized that people including myself are complicated, that our thoughts and views evolve as our lives change, and that is O.K. Since this realization, I have learnt more about myself in the last few years than I had ever known. With this new found open mind, I am looking forward to discover more about myself and more about the people and the world around me.
Thank you Mr. Dilbert(bukan nama sebenar) for giving me an opportunity to generate something that is worthwhile; it has taken me on a journey that allow me to search my soul; it has made me think outside the square, and has taken me outside of my comfort zone. This…has encouraged me to take chances…it has challenged me to put myself on the line and helped me realize I can achieve my goals. Dilbert – is the voice of a working person. I admire your strategies, skills, charisma and the working culture you’ve adopted and I truly look up to your motto in life. On my part, with all the gaps and discrepancies, I’ll try to work things out, somehow..someway;
Thank you dearest family, friends and fellow colleagues for helping me develop and grow; in a way it has allowed me to get to know myself in a more honest and true way. Most of all, thanks for your faith in me. I have experienced a lot of emotion with you guys; occasionally anger and bitterness, sometimes tears, but most often laughter and joy;
I love you guys more than anything. Without all of you here to support my goals, I would not be able to keep myself focused.
(Note: Thank you. Thank you. And countless Thank you all for being so special! )
I guess, life’s little lessons are everywhere including in our goals and our dreams. For this reason, besides looking out for others, from this moment, I shall learn to look after my own welfare and most importantly, my own future. Simply because; taking better care of ourselves allow us to take better care of our loved ones.
For a better tomorrow! *Cheers*
Yeah, I know it’s gonna be a Monday…Let’s not be skeptical about it, alright?~ *wink*
Have a nice day, anyway!
.: sHiMmeR :.
My Astigmatism worsens.
My vision became blurry. My eyes began to sore.
Teardrops burnt the pillow. As the heart began to sink. Sucking the ugly fugly feelings back in.
I used to be bold even in the dark. Even though i stumbled a lot, i’ve always found my way.
Till the glaring light shone brightly and guided my path. I became too dependent on it, unconsciously i’ve followed your way. Always, your way.
And when the light fades away, i lost my way.
I wandered the grounds, hoping to find a clue or an answer. But darkness blinds me and I feel like giving up.
With the purest of my heart, to the ultimate strike and fired. I’m reaching out.
Hoping the beam of lights gives ray of hope for those in pain…
“All that shimmer in this world is sure to fade…away…again….
It’s too far away for me to hold…
It’s too far away…”
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