.: kiSMet :.
Everyday, when I look at the mirror, I got these sudden shivers down my spine. No, not because of the big fugly red zits on my forehead, which looks like an erupting volcano about to explode, but simply because of this haunting to-do list which starts to take charge of my life, as I constantly find myself mentally ticking off the items I wrote, approximately 4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days ago- My New Year Resolution 2009
Tick…tock…tick…tock…tick…tock…time is running out and I sometimes broke down, feeling suicidal for the fact that despite my endless attempts (probably not hard enough), I am still stuck….stagnant…sometimes stumbled recklessly…rock-bottom.
Like being forced-fed lemon, I’m tasting failure for the umpteenth time now, trying so hard to spit it out. But is the bitterness that accompanies adversity are lessons worth savouring? And if I try hard enough, would it turn out to be sweet opportunity, instead?
I got myself a wake up call, a couple of days back. You can call my other half a Nazi but I’m sure he meant good. He kicked my butt out of the comfort zone- literally, far beyond complacency; throwing an icebergin front of me—watching me wobble, testing me how to survive. I guess, you will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. And when it has painfully won, the lessons learn are a true gift.
I had gotten down and dirty in mixture of an arm’s length body odour and poke-in-the-eye pungent perfume scent filled train deck, with sweaty naked flesh and throbbing bodies would rub against my own that an optically challenged individual might mistaken my rough skin for the trunk ofan ancient redwood tree. I am toobusy, trying not to step on anyone toes, moving back and forth wobbly, feeling like a clumsy oaf. My MP3 playlist constantly shifting. All of it trying to keep me up and going. I’m sure I no longer make much sense, the words run together and repeat…”andai ku tahu….kapan tiba ajalku…..”. There I was, slowly turning myself into a zombie.
It has been a while. Since I have been pampering myself with cushiony surface where my warm bon-bon lies, the smell of ocean disperse through the thin air via the blasting cooling effect my aircond roared silently. Reality check; some things just gotta change, these sacrifices I decided to make…..the change of lifestyle I’m going to embrace….Say No-No to fancy coffee and alluring sales, the shrinking budget I gotta live with it….all this, I hope…..gonna be worthwhile.
But was really kept me going is the future I want mine to be, walk-the-talk to achieve the dreams I fantasize to be. To picture the portrait of our family we build together, and able to shelter and feed ‘em good—within our own means.
Looking back. Our once foolishness, our procrastination, our fear of commitment and responsibilities. I had enough of that.
You never know. The volcano in the backyard will always keeps us guessing..
It’s about time, to be wary and start putting unresolved items in the list into actions.
X- Mark all as done.
.: suGaR. sPicE. aNd eVeRytHiNg NicE :.
This is for all the mothers fighting…
You’re the elixir that could cure the sniffles and the blues.
I marvel at your strength, your tender loving care and charisma you’ve portrayed.
Sorry…
If i can’t help myself when you treated me like a misbehaving child. My rebellious instincts sometimes overpower me.
I don’t want to fight no more…
If only we could understand each other better…
But deep down inside, i know…the endless advices, reminders, nagging…is the voice of reason. the voice of support. the voice of my mum.
You are…
Somewhat free. Somewhat tangled.
With all the special ingredients you’re made off, you are the food to my soul.
Here we are, baking and making love. Just for you.
On your special day…
Even though you’re not here with us…
Take care and love yourself dear , SUPERMUM. Missing your hugs and squeals of delight…
Hurry home!~
Uncategorized | Comment (0).: BiLLy. eNcoRe :.
Keep running away, was never that easy.
This principle of law, makes him appear every now and then, whenever I try to forget.
I knew that the last glimpse of his face would hunt me until I saw him again, smiling, teasing away.
Savouring it, has left my heart pounding. Sugar rush– I felt the answering smile spread across my face.
It made me chuckle a bit, surprised by how time had changed the memory. The stress, the confusion. So much had changed…..And now I could craft a smirk, instead of frown.
That brief moment, lasted……only for a lil’ while.
Days go by. Like a dripping faucet in the back of my head– this memories, I could not shut off or ignore.
It’s bad for my health, I know. Addicted, I’ll trade my life for a box of conversation hearts with you.
I felt myself settling into another version of me, a little less responsible, betrayal of the heart. Someone who might, on occasion, do something really stupid for no good reason.
This Placebo Effect–is a real and powerful psychological response. With a small sip of icy sharped chocolate flavoured drink – this unhealthy drug I’m craving, when it touches the tip of my tongue, i let it flow evenly in my throat, swallowing it gently & slowly breathe out…
Ahh…this feeling…this aroma…this presence of yours….still lingers in my mind…
Intoxicating–this feel good factor. Possible for symptoms of serious illness could be masked by it.
Who needs abogus treatment or therapy?
When you can find comfort and solace through an abusive way instead.
If only I could find a way to keep you as my friend. And that’s it. Full stop.
Just spit it out, Billy. I know, deep down inside you have so much to say…
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